Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Engelbert Does Eurovision

So today I had another spot on local radio Dialect - broadcast on Bristol Community Radio Sunday from 2pm. So, I decided to write a topical poem - yes, the surprise decision by the BBC to pin our Eurovision hopes on 75 year old Engelbert Humperdinck. He of the long sideburns and cheesy songs like "Quando Quando Quando"!!

So, has Paul Gambacini and his fellow band of selectors gone stark staring mad or is this a stroke of genius! Hoping to stem the tide of hatred towards the UK from the rest of Europe with some melody brought by the writers of James Blunt's "You're Beautiful". The funniest part of this was the comment by Ireland's repeat contestants John and Edward Grimes - the mighty Jedward - who said "We didn't know who he was!" "Yeah, that's right John." "So we had to look him up on Google." "He looks cool, John." "Yeah, Edward, but his name sounds like Humpty Dumpty."
I've always been struck, personally, by Engelbert's likeness to wooden puppet Virgil from Thunderbirds!

Here it is, then. My poem.


Who will come to the rescue,
Dear ole Blighty is in trouble.
All of Europe hates our singing,
and our Little Britain bubble.

It’s enough to drive past winner -
Sir Cliff Richard – to hard drink
Fear Not!
Auntie Beeb has pointed her finger
at - Englebert Humperdinck!

Yes, Engelbert, Englebert,
the hopes of GB rest on you
Oh, Engelbert, Oh Englebert
Just do better than boy band Blue!

He’s the man who brought the Tom Jones – hurrn –
to the sideburns on his face.
Like Virgil from TV’s Thunderbirds
Can he rocket to First Place?

They hope SO!

A 75 year-old Vegas crooner
call him The Hump – don’t call him The Hoff
Paul Gambacini asserts he has the swoon factor
his Euro fanbase won’t see him booed off

So Engelbert, dear Englebert
more orange than a Tango
Forget he’s a sixties Herbert
singing “Quando Quando Quando."

He kept Strawberry Fields from No 1
on the Top Of The Pops hit charts
With his mellow Last Waltz song
twanging the G-strings of randy grannys hearts.

He’s good at darts! – I made that up!
He’s largely made of cheese –
Well, he does come from Leicester
A mate of Charlton Heston, and The Bee Gees

A nation’s fate rests with menopausal women
who crave an Engelbert Humperdinck booty call
By pinning our hopes on Please Release Me
via James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful”

He’s not The Hoff he’s The Hump
Has sold gazillions across the continent –
I’ve heard he’s quite a grump
Fingers crossed he’s not incontinent.

So, when he takes the floor at Azerbaijan,
with his Ronseal coloured LA-fried tan
How will this veteran fair
with his rock-hard hair-sprayed hair
against Europop spandex frockers,
and Norwegian head-banging goth rockers?

He’s our last hope against Jedward –
those prize twin Irish numpties
They can’t pronounce his name –
they say “It sounds like Humpty Dumpty’s!”

So c’mon!
There is no denying
old Hump is pretty dashing
The time is here UK,
to give them Euros a right good thrashing.

Cheer on our Engelbert of Humperdinck
a choice either brilliant, or downright queer
He could take us to the brink – he could!
He could really triumph this year!

But wait! Euros are still smarting
from David Cameron’s taunts
While he’s busy growling “veto”
They’re bringing out their null points

Smarmy Dave believes he wags the dog
but he’s a toothless bull-dog cur
Europe prepares to vote – Bog Off!

Oh well, there’s always next year!!

It’s the diamond jubilee, you know … oh and then there’s the Olympics – I hear they’ve booked Blur …

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